Gettin' drunk with Lady Luck
Aaron Williams
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Everyone has to do something to pay the bills. Detergent: $5.99. One cycle of clothing: $0.50. Kitty cat going for a ride in the tumbler: priceless. Oh so priceless. There are some things money can't buy. Thank God those things are few and far between. Most everything else can be swiped for.
I try to be shallow like that. Some might view each day as a magical, enchanted journey through the vast mystery that is life. Stop the ride! These hippies are nauseating me! Slow down on the free love; do we really need more Ducks? Rather, I like to see my days as just another chance to turn a semi-honest dollar. Gotta keep things in perspective.
After all, money is an end in itself. Don't kid yourself that you are here, intre universidad (Latin, I swear), to make some sort of great achievement. Any statues they build in your honor won't survive the test of time. Second law, thermodynamics.
Ease up and put things into perspective. It's all about perspective. You're here in hopes of staying alive past 25 and maybe even squeezing a teeny little smidgen of happiness out of life. Remember, we live in a world with well-thought-out slogans like "get rich or die tryin'." Happiness is a Benz and a tan honey. It doesn't come cheap. Happiness always has a price tag.
For us, the pill-popping denizens of this Vatican suburbia, that happiness is at a fabulous discount. Here we are at this charming campus. We swindled, begged, extorted and robbed enough banks to afford this chance at high society. OSU is no better than a casino, and we've placed our delicate egos on lucky black.
The most my mad skills ever pulled from Vegas was a stuffed puppy dog and a marriage that had absolutely nothing to do with the tequila. Good God, man, bat country! Let's hide in that chapel! I'll be grateful to get so much consolation when they kick my lazy ass out of school. "Thanks for playing, better luck next time, here's a 2-for-1 at Blimpie's."
Ah, but Lady Luck is golden. She favors the bold. Success still depends on our eagerness to make a complete ass of ourselves. No love, unless you make a move. No job, unless you apply. No applause, unless you wear this chicken suit and sing "Stand By Me" LIKE WE ASKED YOU TO. Courage is in short order; it's still the only way to succeed.
Living on Lady Luck's terms is a challenge. Aspiring to be stinking rich takes time, especially when most kids (errr, young adults) just want to drink, kiss and play guitar. It's always a battle between what you want to do now, and what you should do to save your ass in the future. Somewhere lies a happy medium. If you find it, copyright it, sell it for profit. Start a church with it. There's enough elderly Floridians to fill everyone's congregation AND everyone's pocket book. Hallelujah!
The biggest challenge used to be who would jump off the tallest roof, or the hardest toxin you could chug from a beer bong. Oh how we've matured, after four fractured bones, three French hens, two beer-soaked Persian carpets, and a broken-down VW bus on cinder blocks. Sadly, the partridge in a pear tree didn't make it. Accident! We polished off the tequila, and birds eat worms, right? Lesson learned.
We've since put away childish things. Now we can hit the books and ask the really hard questions. What drug inspired this week's "Ted?" I know I'm ridiculously good looking, but does everyone else know that? Pin up Shakira? Pin up Jewel? Pin up Gwen Stefani? Duh! Stefani!
While you are here, enjoy. The hardest things you have to lift are some textbooks and a 40. The real world, if it exists, is an eternity away. We still have our youth, our vitality and any stuffed puppy dogs we've collected over the years.
Aaron Williams is a columnist for The Daily Barometer. The opinions in his columns, which appear every Tuesday, do not necessarily represent those of The Barometer staff. He can be reached at baro.forum@studentmedia.orst.edu.
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