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Allowing bicycles on the road is one of the worst things to ever happen since the introduction of the automobile.

Not only has this asinine and dangerous practice been accepted, but the government is bending over backwards to make sure it happens everywhere. It seems as though practical comprehension of reason has escaped almost everyone, especially here in Oregon.

The first thing my drivers education teacher taught me was "the law of bigness."

No, it's not what you perverts are thinking; the rule simply says that when big things hit little things (particularly on the road), the little things get destroyed.

It seems like common knowledge ... then you see a 50-pound bicycle among two-ton vehicles and begin to wonder just how common it is.

A more precise law, the law of momentum states that momentum equals mass times velocity. Not only do cars weigh an insane amount more than bicycles, but they also go quite a bit faster. Now let's apply the equation; let's see ... the car's going 40 mph ... carry the two ... and we have a dead bicyclist.

Some people would argue that bicyclists go on the road because they are hazardous to pedestrians. Of course, using this argument is comparable to removing a baby from a rickety crib and putting it on the floor next to a hungry boa constrictor.

Sure, let's eliminate one danger (although scraped knees and foul words aren't really dangerous) and replace it with something that's even more dangerous -- no flaws in that!

Bikes carelessly rip through scores of students every day on campus without hitting anyone. Why the hell can't they do that on the way to campus, you know, on those long concrete pathways we call sidewalks?

My favorite bicyclist maneuver is when it's cold out and they decide to ride with both hands in their pockets. It's very impressive that any bicyclists can go straight and sometimes even turn without the use of their steering mechanism and means of braking. It could almost be a circus act.

I would have nothing against this coordinated means of biking if unexpected things didn't happen everyday, in every aspect of life. One bump in the road, a moment of carelessness, a foot slipping off a peddle or a sneeze may send that circus clown straight into the embracing arms of a speeding grill.

All the ranting in the world, however, won't change the fact that bicycles are now a part of our roads, so perhaps it's time to let them know their responsibilities.

Transportation penal code 814.400 states that bicycles are considered vehicles and, "every person riding a bicycle upon a public way is subject to the provisions applicable to and has the same rights and duties as the driver of any other vehicle."

Bicyclists have the same rights to the roads as other vehicles, but they're also expected to follow the same laws. Turn signals (obviously with hands, not lights), stoplights, reduction of speed when necessary, etc., are all required and specified in the penal code.

There are two laws they are exempt from however. The first is in regards to safety gear.

God forbid the government force someone to protect themself, it's everyone's right to put their life on the line (wait isn't it the law to wear seat belts?). After all, I wouldn't want the gorgeous dreads of some pot-smoking hippy to be ruffled by a barbaric helmet.

The second law is stopping at stop signs. Oh yes, some idiot thought bicyclists were wasting too much time stopping at stop signs so our state legislature said they didn't have to anymore. Thanks Kulongoski and fellow lawmakers, you've made all of our lives much more convenient.

What's almost more frustrating than the pure danger of having a bicycle on the road is how the lanes they ride in are paid for (anyone who reads my stuff knew money had to eventually enter the picture).

That's right; tax dollars pay for these clever little lanes. The Oregon Department Of Transportation and its subsidiary, the Oregon Bicycle and Pedestrian Advisory, foot the bill for this.

Of course, ODOT and its friends receive the bulk of their funding from license registration fees and traffic tickets.

One small example of how much bike crap costs can be seen right here in Corvallis. In 2003, SW 35th Street was set to be painted with bicycle paths.

OBAPA (state government) offered $200,000 dollars for this and Benton County matched it with $151,000 dollars. That's $351,000 dollars for one street in Corvallis -- mostly paid for by the taxes garnered from car drivers.

Bicycle riders should pitch in for the costs of their own roads. Perhaps a bicycle registration fee is in order. They could get nifty serial numbers carved into their handlebars and tiny license plates. The plates could even be customized to say things like "NO BLD 4," or "MAN-PWR/GRL-PWR," or even the controversial "420 4 LF."

Small bicycle fees and registration would make automobile drivers feel less hostile toward their bi-peddle brethren. Registration numbers might even help prevent the theft of bicycles (or at the very least catch the perpetrators of said thefts).

Even if bicyclists start paying for their share however, their menace to the safety of the road will persist until they start following the same rules cars follow.

Once on a bicycle and on the road, no pedestrian privileges remain. There's no moving to the right of a car when they're turning right. There are no random swerves from lanes and roads without signals. There are no crosswalk privileges unless you dismount your steed. And for the love of God, you are supposed to keep at least one hand on the handlebars.

Until these changes are made, I look forward to day after day of dodging these unpredictable obstacles.

Nay, I relish the idea of having to deal with someone's idealistic, nature loving crusade in the most dangerous manner possible. Bicyclists out there ... keep on truckin'.

James Lester is a columnist for The Daily Barometer. The opinions expressed in his column do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Barometer staff. Lester can be reached at baro.forum@studentmedia.orst.edu.

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