The Barometer Online

Issue date: 1/23/07 Section: Forum

I'm scared of global warming. The Big Liberal conspiracy, led by Big Al Gore, has worked wonders on me.

When I go to Newport I keep an eye out for glacial flows heading toward the coastline, and I sometimes wonder if the Coast Range is really strong enough to stave off the coming jokulhlaup, which according to my GEO 102 class, means glacial outburst flood.

You've taken the class. You know what I'm talking about.

The point is, global warming is coming, and we're all going to die. I wouldn't worry about it though. When I say "we're all going to die," I really mean "other people are going to die long after we're already dead."

So why worry?

Exactly.

But my basic human urge to generate offspring has an element of forward-thinking attached to it. What if future generation of Traylors are out boating on the Corvallis Lake some day when the polar ice caps suddenly melt, causing a major rise in the water level, which would cause them to almost certainly have to paddle harder to get back to land some where in Colorado? I can't have that, so I feel we should do something.

And when I say "we" here, of course I mean, "other people."

So-called "scientists" go on and on about so-called "greenhouse gas emissions." Now, I don't even know what an "emission" really is, although I am fairly certain it is what caused the strange smell to hover over New York City a couple weeks ago. They blamed it on New Jersey, but I join the chorus of concerned scientists when I say that it was probably one really powerful "emission," if you catch my drift.

The point here is something must be done to stop the menace of global warming. And I'm thinking specifically of a benefit concert involving top-grade celebrities and perhaps the winner of the current "American Idol" contest.

At the concert, we could bring concerned scientists to the stage and have them attempt to sing.

I have already contacted President Bush raising my concern. I offered him a few paragraphs of text he could insert into today's State of the Union address, at no charge. In return, I asked only for access to the secret, underground chamber with global-warming-resistant air-conditioning technology. Also there will be snacks.

Here now is the text I fully expect the president to use tonight:

"Global warming is coming, and we must acknowledge the coming danger by learning how to swim, developing gills and cutting taxes for the wealthy.

"Without these gills, this swimming ability, and these tax cuts, which specifically stick it to the middle class, America will be enveloped into a brand new ocean, which Taco Bell has already won naming rights for.

"In this Taco Bell Ocean, we will have to build massive, under-water cities. In these cities, we must be sure to ban gay marriage. Because even in a future world where dolphins are really in charge, we cannot allow two gay people to marry."

So there you have it. Look for this section to be put into the speech somewhere after the part where Bush glosses over the unraveling situation in Iraq.

For now, that's all I've got. By the end of the week, I'll be safely underground. Unless the president actually decides to confront the issue in tonight's speech. But I'd be willing to bet a jokulhlaup that he won't.

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Dan Traylor is a senior in political science and editor in chief of The Daily Barometer. The opinions expressed in his columns do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Barometer staff. Traylor can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.

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