Spring Break
Off the Rack
College Klepto Commandos
Krisja Lorenson
Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Diversions
As income-challenged college students, most of us have few disposable dollars for food and shelter, let alone clothing, shoes and accessories. But I, in my infinite fifth-year senior wisdom, have found a solution to this problem. It recently hit me that my sophomore year kleptomaniac roommate was onto something. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this klepto commando would stealthily appropriate the clothing owned by me and our other roommates and throw it in a laundry bag to "wash in Portland" on the weekends. This, of course, was klepto code for "wear them in Portland." Unfortunately for her, we stumbled upon the bag of garment goodies and she was caught red-handed - and red nailed. The thief had stolen my favorite cherry nail polish too.
After I spent the rest of that year sneaking new clothing into our house under the cloak of darkness, hiding my valuables in furnace ducts, installing a CCTV camera above my bed and booby trapping my closet, I decided that if I couldn't beat her, I might as well join her. Now I've come to embrace my pinching pal's philosophy, which was that if you are careless enough to leave your clothes just hanging around in your closet, you are asking for them to be stolen.
I'm going to share with you how to successfully pilfer like a pro and, unlike my former, filching friend, avoid being caught. Some might call it stealing; I call it borrowing without asking and without the intent to return. If you choose to literally put yourself in another person's shoes, follow these simple klepto commandments:
-Use a decoy. Remember when you snuck out in high school and stuffed pillows in the likeness of your sweet, slumbering self under the covers to throw off pesky parents? It works the same here. Carefully remove your friend's garment from its hanger and replace it with something of yours. Make sure it can't be easily traced back to you in case your friend has a superior intellect and is able to tell the difference between her BCBG bubble dress and the ARMY physical training shirt you recently jacked from your military-man boyfriend. If you're the only one in the house with a penchant for men in uniform, it doesn't take an independent investigation commission to figure out who the culprit is.
After I spent the rest of that year sneaking new clothing into our house under the cloak of darkness, hiding my valuables in furnace ducts, installing a CCTV camera above my bed and booby trapping my closet, I decided that if I couldn't beat her, I might as well join her. Now I've come to embrace my pinching pal's philosophy, which was that if you are careless enough to leave your clothes just hanging around in your closet, you are asking for them to be stolen.
I'm going to share with you how to successfully pilfer like a pro and, unlike my former, filching friend, avoid being caught. Some might call it stealing; I call it borrowing without asking and without the intent to return. If you choose to literally put yourself in another person's shoes, follow these simple klepto commandments:
-Use a decoy. Remember when you snuck out in high school and stuffed pillows in the likeness of your sweet, slumbering self under the covers to throw off pesky parents? It works the same here. Carefully remove your friend's garment from its hanger and replace it with something of yours. Make sure it can't be easily traced back to you in case your friend has a superior intellect and is able to tell the difference between her BCBG bubble dress and the ARMY physical training shirt you recently jacked from your military-man boyfriend. If you're the only one in the house with a penchant for men in uniform, it doesn't take an independent investigation commission to figure out who the culprit is.
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