The Barometer Online

Issue date: 5/8/07 Section: Forum

I was debating about what to write this week and was having a tough time whittling down the choices - God knows this has been a busy news week.

First, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days of hard time in the slammer. Which, you know, means that she'll be spending about a month and a half in a posh minimal security holding center where the worst thing she'll be faced with is that they only have basic cable.

She'll probably go crazy.

Or crazier, depending on how you look at the situation.

Don't worry about missing out on this part of her life, though. I'm sure someone at E! or Bravo or FX or some other trashy television station (probably owned by FOX) is working with Nicole Richie to get her thrown in the slammer along with Hilton so they can make another season of "The Simple Life."

I know I'd watch it.

Then we've got a situation that hits much closer to home for all us resident Corvallians. OSU's very own Sara Jean Underwood was named this year's Playmate of the Year.

She first appeared in Playboy in 2005 along with other "Girls of the Pac-10." She then followed that up by becoming Miss July in 2006. Rumor has it (and I'm not making this up) the former business major is going to be coming back to Corvallis to pose in the College of Business advising offices during the summer orientation programs.

Welcome to college, here's a naked woman.

It gives a whole new meaning to the term "flashing your business."

I think students should also have a petition started to include her in the literature that's sent out to all prospective, new and incoming students. Think about it. Enrollment would soar.

It also behooves us to petition the Valley Library staff to include the three Playboy issues in which Underwood appears in the OSU Archives. They should probably be stored right next to Linus Pauling's two Nobel Prizes.

Students would be able to check them out whenever they wanted. And isn't that what the library is all about? Providing much-needed resources to students.

I am concerned, however, for the well-being of this student who now finds herself being thrust into the limelight. She was quoted by the Associated Press as saying that "I thought I was going to puke. I thought I was going to faint. I thought I was going to cry," when she was awarded the coveted title.

As her Homecoming king, I need to man up and be the shoulder on which she can cry whenever she needs it.

Sara, if you ever need anything - anything at all - you just call my name and I'll be there. Just like Mariah Carey.

Students should also be disappointed in the university for not giving Miss Underwood the recognition she deserves. Where is her banner? Where is her parade? Why doesn't she have a building or a research institute named after her? Why aren't we given a second day off this term so that we can properly celebrate this momentous occasion?

These are the burning questions you should all be asking, people! If you ever want to get anything out of life, you need to be proactive. Proactive and vengeful.

You can't just sit back and wait for things to come to you. And when things aren't coming to you even though you're out there working your tail off, you need to be willing to stab someone in the back.

That's just how things work.

People are already trying to do it to my good friend Sara. And I won't have it. People are asking the question of whether or not Underwood has had plastic surgery. It's rumored that she has had both breast augmentation and rhinoplasty.

And to that I have to say, her beauty is all homegrown, natural Oregon. Just like Tonya Harding. My other good friend, Hugh Heffner (we just call him Heff), said that people are still looking for the girl next door when it comes to Playboy Playmates.

Which obviously begs the question of what neighborhood are you living in and when the hell can I move in?

But back to the issue at hand. How does this situation affect us here at Oregon State? Well, it gives us something of which to be prideful. Also it gives us a chance to protest something else.

Now that the glitz and glamour has faded from protesting the new athletic logo I think we should protest. Protest the fact that the beaver is our mascot.

Its only purpose is to serve as a sexual innuendo whenever we have a student appearing in Playboy.

We should also protest the name of the university. We should throw off the reigns of our oppressors and give this school a name that accurately reflects the student body: Playboy University.

We can hire Hugh Heffner as our new president.

Sorry, Ed Ray, we like the suit and spectacles, but we see the need for change. Sexy change. Sexy change that can only happen with a velour smoking jacket and pipe.

We can then develop new majors and classes. All taught by Playboy playmates. We at Playboy University will usher in a new era of education and knowledge. Sexy education and sexy knowledge.

And we have only Sara Jean Underwood to thank. God, bless you, Miss July.

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Matt Lewis is a senior in English and Diversions editor for The Daily Barometer. The opinions expressed in his columns, which appear every Tuesday, do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Barometer staff. Lewis can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.

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