Spring Break
Tim's guide
Tim Pfarr
Issue date: 1/11/08 Section: Diversions
This year my resolutions are threefold. First, I want to get back in shape. Second, I want to stop threatening to kill people in the Barometer. Finally, I want to write the next great American novel.
When it comes to fitness, the important thing to remember is that it's all up to you. You just have to kick yourself out of bed every day and hit the gym or you're just not going to go anywhere. Of course the alternative is developing a heroin addiction. While I'm told it helps shed the pounds, I'm also told that it can be a little harmful to your health. Naturally, I've decided to stick to exercise instead.
The first thing that will help you survive the gym is remembering that you don't have to push it 100% on the first day if you haven't been working out for a while. Pushing too hard can lead to bad things like hernias and blood vessel explosions, so it's best to take it one day at a time and work your way back up the fitness scale. Bloody messes can be fun, but I hear they don't much appreciate it in the weight room.
When it comes to doing cardio (running and such), be sure to take it easy until you get your heart rate up. Once you're up to speed, it's time to withstand the pain. Feel it, love it, revel in it.
With my second resolution (threatening to kill people in the Barometer), I guess it's all up to me and it's really my problem. I'll just have to bite my lip and start taking my medication again. You dirty doctors. You may have won the battle but you surely have not won the war!
Finally, there's writing the next great American novel, which I'm convinced will be a slam dunk.
The key to getting your great American novel published is to go for genre fiction and write about one or more of the following topics:
-Romance
-Law
-Medicine or diseases
-Crime
After all, if Janet Evanovich can get published then I'm pretty sure the gorillas in the zoo can too.
Other stuff to remember when crafting your story: romance requires explicit and nauseating details that repulse the most degenerate reader, law requires a bunch of legal terms that confuse everybody, medicine requires the subject to be an incredibly rare and horrifying flesh-devouring bacteria that will surely scare the living crap out of every reader and crime requires a lame and predictable ending that makes your readers wish they had never learned to read.
Tim Pfarr
diversions@dailybarometer.com
When it comes to fitness, the important thing to remember is that it's all up to you. You just have to kick yourself out of bed every day and hit the gym or you're just not going to go anywhere. Of course the alternative is developing a heroin addiction. While I'm told it helps shed the pounds, I'm also told that it can be a little harmful to your health. Naturally, I've decided to stick to exercise instead.
The first thing that will help you survive the gym is remembering that you don't have to push it 100% on the first day if you haven't been working out for a while. Pushing too hard can lead to bad things like hernias and blood vessel explosions, so it's best to take it one day at a time and work your way back up the fitness scale. Bloody messes can be fun, but I hear they don't much appreciate it in the weight room.
When it comes to doing cardio (running and such), be sure to take it easy until you get your heart rate up. Once you're up to speed, it's time to withstand the pain. Feel it, love it, revel in it.
With my second resolution (threatening to kill people in the Barometer), I guess it's all up to me and it's really my problem. I'll just have to bite my lip and start taking my medication again. You dirty doctors. You may have won the battle but you surely have not won the war!
Finally, there's writing the next great American novel, which I'm convinced will be a slam dunk.
The key to getting your great American novel published is to go for genre fiction and write about one or more of the following topics:
-Romance
-Law
-Medicine or diseases
-Crime
After all, if Janet Evanovich can get published then I'm pretty sure the gorillas in the zoo can too.
Other stuff to remember when crafting your story: romance requires explicit and nauseating details that repulse the most degenerate reader, law requires a bunch of legal terms that confuse everybody, medicine requires the subject to be an incredibly rare and horrifying flesh-devouring bacteria that will surely scare the living crap out of every reader and crime requires a lame and predictable ending that makes your readers wish they had never learned to read.
Tim Pfarr
diversions@dailybarometer.com
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