Spring Break
What I would want do if I were the Devil for a day...
Dwight Wozich
Issue date: 4/29/08 Section: Forum
If I could have a special power, it would be the ability to set aside a unique place in Hell for people who tick me off. There are so many morons in the world today that Karma can't keep up. It's time to take a stand and make sure they get the fate they deserve.
I would design an excruciating level of Hell for meter maids.
Meter maids exist only to make life miserable for the general population. Corvallis is home to a particularly slimy infestation of these mutants. They deserve to burn for every person they've ticketed for being less than a minute late in adding more change.
Meter maids will begin their torment in a long hallway with a parking meter at the end. Each meter maid is given a quarter. A loud timer will sound, and the meter maid has 30 seconds to sprint to the other end of the hallway and deposit the quarter in the parking meter.
The fun part is they will never make it in time. When they are moments away from success, an ear-splitting buzzer will sound and the meter maid will be drenched in a downpour of cow feces. Showering in cow pies for eternity is more than enough punishment for all the souls these people have tormented by stealing their money.
My next level of Damnation will be reserved for women who wear UGG boots.
I used to think that girls wore these heinous examples of footwear to keep their feet warm in cold weather. I was shocked to learn that UGGs know no season.
When warm weather hits campus, girls turn out in mini-skirts with UGGs on their feet. I have heard rumors that rabies is making a comeback from pairs of UGGs that are coming to life and biting pedestrians.
Hell will be a painful existence for UGG-wearers. They will spend the afterlife using a pair of starving, angry badgers for shoes. Eventually the badgers will become so hungry they will devour their owner's feet.
This punishment seems nasty, but it is more than deserved for all the vomit-induced health issues created by an UGG sighting.
I would design an excruciating level of Hell for meter maids.
Meter maids exist only to make life miserable for the general population. Corvallis is home to a particularly slimy infestation of these mutants. They deserve to burn for every person they've ticketed for being less than a minute late in adding more change.
Meter maids will begin their torment in a long hallway with a parking meter at the end. Each meter maid is given a quarter. A loud timer will sound, and the meter maid has 30 seconds to sprint to the other end of the hallway and deposit the quarter in the parking meter.
The fun part is they will never make it in time. When they are moments away from success, an ear-splitting buzzer will sound and the meter maid will be drenched in a downpour of cow feces. Showering in cow pies for eternity is more than enough punishment for all the souls these people have tormented by stealing their money.
My next level of Damnation will be reserved for women who wear UGG boots.
I used to think that girls wore these heinous examples of footwear to keep their feet warm in cold weather. I was shocked to learn that UGGs know no season.
When warm weather hits campus, girls turn out in mini-skirts with UGGs on their feet. I have heard rumors that rabies is making a comeback from pairs of UGGs that are coming to life and biting pedestrians.
Hell will be a painful existence for UGG-wearers. They will spend the afterlife using a pair of starving, angry badgers for shoes. Eventually the badgers will become so hungry they will devour their owner's feet.
This punishment seems nasty, but it is more than deserved for all the vomit-induced health issues created by an UGG sighting.
Note: writers will not reply to comments.
Be the first to comment on this story
Comments by registered users are approved by default.