Spring Break
Arbitrary Argument: Faux Hawk vs. Blow Out
You decide: two different hair styles, two different personas to uphold
Ruben Casas and Alex McElroy
Issue date: 5/9/08 Section: Diversions
Faux Hawk
It wasn't might. It wasn't valor. It was good hair that made the Spartans winning warriors.
The story goes like this: At the age of 7, the male child is placed in the care of the state for the purpose of making him a warrior. Under the agoge system, the boy will be taught to dance, hunt, fight. He will be emotionally and spiritually reared. And he will learn military strategy and loyalty, specifically the homosocial kind.
Oiled-down athletic competitions and faux-hawks are, therefore, central to this training. "With this, or upon this," Spartan wives tell their strapping husbands as they hand them their shields to go off into battle. (Interesting factoid: Spartans married at 20 but weren't allowed to cohabit until 30; the hoplite had to steal away at night to visit his wife, who, until discharge 10 years later, kept her head shaved and dressed in male clothing).
Throwing your shield at the enemy and running like a coward is punishable by death or banishment because, unlike other pieces of armor which are designed to protect the individual, the shield is meant to protect you and your homoi (equal) fighting alongside you.
So there's the shield, the oiled bodies, the man-affection and the faux-hawk (which is traded in for the towering blood-red mo-hawk in the heat of battle) to credit for Spartan prowess in war. Who would have thought that a regular work-out schedule and good hair would make such an impressive mark on history?
Maybe this is what's behind Ryan Seacrest's success in his current campaign to take over the world annoyingly: he's following the Spartan formula to the tee - and the donning of the faux-hawk in the latest season of "American Idol" is surely the last step in his fail-proof plan.
Sure, there are other flashy attempts at making history with good hair, but none have been clinically proven to work as well as the faux-hawk has. Take the "blowout," for example.
First of all, the blowout has minor history - if that - in that it originated in Brooklyn sometime this century - let's say June 7, 2002 at 8:39 p.m. In any case, what's so impressive about Brooklyn? Outside of Park Slope there's hardly anything socially subversive going on there, and even then, the closest things resembling Spartan values are the lesbian couples pushing along their baby. (Okay, Fischerspooner is pretty darned cool, I admit, partly because they don't do the blowout.) Maybe this is why the blowout is aptly nicknamed "The Brooklyn Poser."
It wasn't might. It wasn't valor. It was good hair that made the Spartans winning warriors.
The story goes like this: At the age of 7, the male child is placed in the care of the state for the purpose of making him a warrior. Under the agoge system, the boy will be taught to dance, hunt, fight. He will be emotionally and spiritually reared. And he will learn military strategy and loyalty, specifically the homosocial kind.
Oiled-down athletic competitions and faux-hawks are, therefore, central to this training. "With this, or upon this," Spartan wives tell their strapping husbands as they hand them their shields to go off into battle. (Interesting factoid: Spartans married at 20 but weren't allowed to cohabit until 30; the hoplite had to steal away at night to visit his wife, who, until discharge 10 years later, kept her head shaved and dressed in male clothing).
Throwing your shield at the enemy and running like a coward is punishable by death or banishment because, unlike other pieces of armor which are designed to protect the individual, the shield is meant to protect you and your homoi (equal) fighting alongside you.
So there's the shield, the oiled bodies, the man-affection and the faux-hawk (which is traded in for the towering blood-red mo-hawk in the heat of battle) to credit for Spartan prowess in war. Who would have thought that a regular work-out schedule and good hair would make such an impressive mark on history?
Maybe this is what's behind Ryan Seacrest's success in his current campaign to take over the world annoyingly: he's following the Spartan formula to the tee - and the donning of the faux-hawk in the latest season of "American Idol" is surely the last step in his fail-proof plan.
Sure, there are other flashy attempts at making history with good hair, but none have been clinically proven to work as well as the faux-hawk has. Take the "blowout," for example.
First of all, the blowout has minor history - if that - in that it originated in Brooklyn sometime this century - let's say June 7, 2002 at 8:39 p.m. In any case, what's so impressive about Brooklyn? Outside of Park Slope there's hardly anything socially subversive going on there, and even then, the closest things resembling Spartan values are the lesbian couples pushing along their baby. (Okay, Fischerspooner is pretty darned cool, I admit, partly because they don't do the blowout.) Maybe this is why the blowout is aptly nicknamed "The Brooklyn Poser."
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