Spring Break
Dominating fantasy, sexual urges
Kathy Greaves
Issue date: 5/21/08 Section: Forum
Dear Dr. Sex,
I have a fantasy about being dominated. I have floated that idea toward my boyfriend of about two months - also my first serious boyfriend - and he is not opposed to a little light bondage. We have done the basics, using scarves to tie my hands above my head, etc. He has allowed me to tie him down and blindfold him. I am interested in pain play and a little more intense scenarios. How do I approach this conversation with my boyfriend? Is this fantasy normal?
-Freaky Fanatic
Dear Freaky Fanatic,
First let me give you some terms and their definitions. What you are currently participating in is called bondage.
Bondage-type acts include being bound, tied up or otherwise restrained during sexual activity. Bondage is considered a type of sexual masochism.
Sexual masochism is sexual arousal and gratification associated with fantasies of or actual acts of being hurt, humiliated or otherwise made to suffer. Sexual masochism is classified as a non-coercive paraphilia.
A paraphilia is any behavior that has the following three characteristics: 1. It is engaged in for the specific purpose of providing sexual arousal or gratification. 2. It tends to be compulsive. 3. Most people would find to be strange, deviant or abnormal.
Sexual masochism is considered non-coercive because those who typically participate usually consent and therefore are not coerced. Thus, you are interested in a specific type of sexual masochism and it is non-coercive because... well, it's your idea.
I'll actually answer your second question first.
This fantasy is not normal. Keep in mind though that something is classified as "normal" simply because it fits within the majority. So you wanting to participate in something that isn't normal just means that it is something that the minority of people may be interested in doing. What it doesn't mean is that it is something bad, immoral or negative. Who's to say that you need to be interested in what everyone else is interested in anyway?
I have a fantasy about being dominated. I have floated that idea toward my boyfriend of about two months - also my first serious boyfriend - and he is not opposed to a little light bondage. We have done the basics, using scarves to tie my hands above my head, etc. He has allowed me to tie him down and blindfold him. I am interested in pain play and a little more intense scenarios. How do I approach this conversation with my boyfriend? Is this fantasy normal?
-Freaky Fanatic
Dear Freaky Fanatic,
First let me give you some terms and their definitions. What you are currently participating in is called bondage.
Bondage-type acts include being bound, tied up or otherwise restrained during sexual activity. Bondage is considered a type of sexual masochism.
Sexual masochism is sexual arousal and gratification associated with fantasies of or actual acts of being hurt, humiliated or otherwise made to suffer. Sexual masochism is classified as a non-coercive paraphilia.
A paraphilia is any behavior that has the following three characteristics: 1. It is engaged in for the specific purpose of providing sexual arousal or gratification. 2. It tends to be compulsive. 3. Most people would find to be strange, deviant or abnormal.
Sexual masochism is considered non-coercive because those who typically participate usually consent and therefore are not coerced. Thus, you are interested in a specific type of sexual masochism and it is non-coercive because... well, it's your idea.
I'll actually answer your second question first.
This fantasy is not normal. Keep in mind though that something is classified as "normal" simply because it fits within the majority. So you wanting to participate in something that isn't normal just means that it is something that the minority of people may be interested in doing. What it doesn't mean is that it is something bad, immoral or negative. Who's to say that you need to be interested in what everyone else is interested in anyway?
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