Spring Break
The only way to find success in your resolutions
Daniel Acee
Issue date: 1/9/09 Section: Forum
I am not going to BS you all here. It is hard to keep those New Years resolutions, and while I am no expert at advice or keeping goals that I set, I do have some things that might assist you on your journey to … well, whatever it is you're striving for.
1. Weight loss
So you want to drop some of those pounds you collected over years of eating cheap food and only working out your fingertips by playing Madden? Here are a few ideas I have that may help you.
Binge eating is always a favored tactic amongst my group of friends. We binge eat for about 12 hours on Sunday, and see who can make it until next Sunday. Whoever breaks down and eats first we pull a prank on. I prefer slipping hallucinogens in their coffee: it's enjoyable for both parties.
DANCE. Do what I do whenever I get a chance:Break it down like Shakira. If you try hard enough, your hips won't lie either.
Start counting calories. Choose a prime number like 1069 (hah), then only eat foods that bring your count down to another prime number. This method proves quite effective, as it may be difficult to eat more than one or two items of food a day.
2. Filling up your savings accounts
This is a problem that most Americans are experiencing right now. But lucky you; I have the answer to your financial problems.
Sell yourself … I mean … empower yourself as the true sexual beast that you are. Legally, of course, I know this guy who used to be homeless who is starting a ranch outside of Las Vegas. I can totally hook you up with the address. Well, not really an address but you all know the where the El Prez parking lot is.
3. Getting into a relationship
This one happens to be my forte. For guys your goal is to look big. So, for the first five weeks of school just do peck exercises and eat only red meat. I recommend the cheap burgers at WinCo; 20 burgers for two dollars is a hell of a deal if you still haven't figured out your financial problems.
Once you have the pecks, it's going to be easy. Go to class, preferably a late night class when others tend to have been worn down by the hard edge of the world. Find someone who lacks self-esteem. (You can tell this by their body language. Usually they will hold their hands together in front of their stomach, or take shorter steps with less confident posture.) Now is your chance. You will only have a couple minutes, so practice this at home with your friends or a body pillow beforehand.
1. Weight loss
So you want to drop some of those pounds you collected over years of eating cheap food and only working out your fingertips by playing Madden? Here are a few ideas I have that may help you.
Binge eating is always a favored tactic amongst my group of friends. We binge eat for about 12 hours on Sunday, and see who can make it until next Sunday. Whoever breaks down and eats first we pull a prank on. I prefer slipping hallucinogens in their coffee: it's enjoyable for both parties.
DANCE. Do what I do whenever I get a chance:Break it down like Shakira. If you try hard enough, your hips won't lie either.
Start counting calories. Choose a prime number like 1069 (hah), then only eat foods that bring your count down to another prime number. This method proves quite effective, as it may be difficult to eat more than one or two items of food a day.
2. Filling up your savings accounts
This is a problem that most Americans are experiencing right now. But lucky you; I have the answer to your financial problems.
Sell yourself … I mean … empower yourself as the true sexual beast that you are. Legally, of course, I know this guy who used to be homeless who is starting a ranch outside of Las Vegas. I can totally hook you up with the address. Well, not really an address but you all know the where the El Prez parking lot is.
3. Getting into a relationship
This one happens to be my forte. For guys your goal is to look big. So, for the first five weeks of school just do peck exercises and eat only red meat. I recommend the cheap burgers at WinCo; 20 burgers for two dollars is a hell of a deal if you still haven't figured out your financial problems.
Once you have the pecks, it's going to be easy. Go to class, preferably a late night class when others tend to have been worn down by the hard edge of the world. Find someone who lacks self-esteem. (You can tell this by their body language. Usually they will hold their hands together in front of their stomach, or take shorter steps with less confident posture.) Now is your chance. You will only have a couple minutes, so practice this at home with your friends or a body pillow beforehand.
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Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
RH
posted 1/15/09 @ 12:03 AM PST
Bim Bim, you are the best columnist ever created. Even better than Richard the Seeker himself. Much Love.
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