Spring Break
Awkward sex is a learning experience
Rose Hansen
Issue date: 1/13/09 Section: Forum
Do you remember losing your virginity?
If you're like most of us, it was probably about as graceless as sex can get. You were probably too nervous to try talking dirty, didn't want to experiment with anything besides missionary and quickly realized it wasn't the shadowy lights, sexy music kind of experience Hollywood plays it up to be.
The good news is sex gets better. Really. If you're a girl, you will reach or have already arrived at that point where "being on top" is a dance whose rhythm you understand intimately, receiving oral sex doesn't leave you panicked and you savor the heart-pounding, animal-panting, sweaty post-sex buzz for all its worth before reaching for your clothes.
But just because you know how to tango doesn't mean the awkwardness disappears. It doesn't matter if you have a little or a lot of sex, some things about it are just awkward by nature, from falling off the bed to farting.
Even the taking-off clothes dance is clumsy, but who can blame you? So you tripped over your jeans because you forgot to take your shoes off first; there are more important things to think about. You'd be crazy not to be in a hurry to get naked and get started.
And what about unhooking the bra? This proves to be a task of mythical proportions to the average college male. I had a partner who flat out quit trying. When we reached that point in undressing, he'd simply wave his hand and say, "Take that thing off." I'd laugh, and then we'd have sex.
Guys who are smooth enough to unhook my bra with one hand freak me out. I can't even unhook my bra with one hand. Suave moves make me wonder just how many bras this guy has taken off before mine.
Okay, so you're naked and ready to get down to business. There are casual blunders, like bumping heads or the basic noises sex creates. That stuff doesn't merit any reaction at all. Hopefully you won't even notice because you're so distracted by the sex you're having. At worst, pretend it didn't happen. Or moan louder.
If you're like most of us, it was probably about as graceless as sex can get. You were probably too nervous to try talking dirty, didn't want to experiment with anything besides missionary and quickly realized it wasn't the shadowy lights, sexy music kind of experience Hollywood plays it up to be.
The good news is sex gets better. Really. If you're a girl, you will reach or have already arrived at that point where "being on top" is a dance whose rhythm you understand intimately, receiving oral sex doesn't leave you panicked and you savor the heart-pounding, animal-panting, sweaty post-sex buzz for all its worth before reaching for your clothes.
But just because you know how to tango doesn't mean the awkwardness disappears. It doesn't matter if you have a little or a lot of sex, some things about it are just awkward by nature, from falling off the bed to farting.
Even the taking-off clothes dance is clumsy, but who can blame you? So you tripped over your jeans because you forgot to take your shoes off first; there are more important things to think about. You'd be crazy not to be in a hurry to get naked and get started.
And what about unhooking the bra? This proves to be a task of mythical proportions to the average college male. I had a partner who flat out quit trying. When we reached that point in undressing, he'd simply wave his hand and say, "Take that thing off." I'd laugh, and then we'd have sex.
Guys who are smooth enough to unhook my bra with one hand freak me out. I can't even unhook my bra with one hand. Suave moves make me wonder just how many bras this guy has taken off before mine.
Okay, so you're naked and ready to get down to business. There are casual blunders, like bumping heads or the basic noises sex creates. That stuff doesn't merit any reaction at all. Hopefully you won't even notice because you're so distracted by the sex you're having. At worst, pretend it didn't happen. Or moan louder.
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Viewing Comments 1 - 10 of 12
Russ
Russ
posted 1/13/09 @ 7:13 PM PST
Rose I'm sure Larry Flynt will soon be contacting you for a prestigious position at his well respected women's rights rag. I'm no prude but this kind of smut/sh** has no business in a school newspaper. (Continued…)
nam
posted 1/13/09 @ 9:48 PM PST
wow...what WON'T the barometer publish these days?
Ashley
posted 1/13/09 @ 10:58 PM PST
I know this article was meant to be light-hearted and funny, but I think the opposite kind of happened. Some things, like sex lives, aren't the greatest things to publish to the whole world. (Continued…)
ann hansen
posted 1/13/09 @ 11:42 PM PST
I guess I am kind of a prude and I am ever so grateful that my daughter doesn't write this kind of trash for the paper. Have you ever heard of TMI? too much. (Continued…)
Debra
posted 1/14/09 @ 2:02 PM PST
I do not think that this was the most conservative article in the paper today, but it was a light, fun read. This being said, I also believe that is what it was suppossed to be and thankfully given the name of the article I think people who didn't want to be faced with this type of information had a warning in order to skim over it. (Continued…)
Rog
posted 1/14/09 @ 3:11 PM PST
Rose, I think it is great that you are letting people know that sex is a great yet awkward act. I am sure that there are many people (students or not) that have had some embarassing moments and it has hindered their sex life. (Continued…)
Ramsi
posted 1/15/09 @ 3:37 PM PST
It was a good, honest article which may very well help a lot of people in an underdiscussed part of life.
And Russ, I also hope that Rose hasn't lost all of her pedals, otherwise how will she ride her bike?!
Joe
posted 1/15/09 @ 8:03 PM PST
It seems to me that the only people who care about Rose Hansen's sex life are herself and the men she so frequently bangs. It's patently obvious this girl has no self-esteem and has to get her jollies by writing all about the raunchy sex she has. (Continued…)
rammy
posted 4/01/09 @ 11:04 AM PST
Thanks for this....
alex
posted 4/03/09 @ 5:51 PM PST
This is the most absurd sex column I have ever come across, and that is saying something. This rubbish. Isn't ground breaking, one small step forward for women's lib. (Continued…)
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