Quick! Someone tell the internet I'm in love!
How relationships are worth more than you could ever imagine
Alex McElroy
Issue date: 1/16/09 Section: Diversions
Not too long ago, the greatest thing one could do to convey their affection was a single, arduous task. It involved belaying, climbing and screaming the name of your beloved from the top of the recently-ascended mountain. But with society's dependence on civilization, colonization and meaningless relations, the act of "screaming our love from the top of a mountain" has all but come to an end.
But fear not, those of you with lovesick hearts, there's another way to inform the general vicinity of your recent devotion: Facebook!
So throw out your spiked shoes and miles of rope - maybe keep the rope, in case the relationship goes sour - because a few enters and accepts are all you need to let the world know about your heart's harmonious match (along with reminding them of their loneliness, if the Ben & Jerry's stuck to their keys isn't doing it already.)
And if you're worried that not enough people will notice your status, remember that you're not the only one entering into this courtship. Think of all those friends of your significant other that you aren't friends with, and take comfort in his or her slight nod of approval or sigh at the sight of the cartoon heart next to your names. I know it sounds insane to think that two people close enough to publicly announce their relationship on a social network could somehow still have separate friends, but I've seen it happen. And that emotional proximity is oftentimes ignored; some even believe that it's not the fact that the relationship is posted on the internet that counts, but that you're together in the first place.
These people are idiots.
These same people prefer to leave the name portion next to "In a relationship with" empty; they can't be trusted. How are we even to know if they're actually dating someone? My good sense tells me it's nothing but a scam to keep us dating candidly, at least the ones with a hyperlink to our mate beneath our name - which is necessary, because God knows when you may need to know her favorite movie. So now we can scan their wall history and photos for clues as to who they're really with.
But fear not, those of you with lovesick hearts, there's another way to inform the general vicinity of your recent devotion: Facebook!
So throw out your spiked shoes and miles of rope - maybe keep the rope, in case the relationship goes sour - because a few enters and accepts are all you need to let the world know about your heart's harmonious match (along with reminding them of their loneliness, if the Ben & Jerry's stuck to their keys isn't doing it already.)
And if you're worried that not enough people will notice your status, remember that you're not the only one entering into this courtship. Think of all those friends of your significant other that you aren't friends with, and take comfort in his or her slight nod of approval or sigh at the sight of the cartoon heart next to your names. I know it sounds insane to think that two people close enough to publicly announce their relationship on a social network could somehow still have separate friends, but I've seen it happen. And that emotional proximity is oftentimes ignored; some even believe that it's not the fact that the relationship is posted on the internet that counts, but that you're together in the first place.
These people are idiots.
These same people prefer to leave the name portion next to "In a relationship with" empty; they can't be trusted. How are we even to know if they're actually dating someone? My good sense tells me it's nothing but a scam to keep us dating candidly, at least the ones with a hyperlink to our mate beneath our name - which is necessary, because God knows when you may need to know her favorite movie. So now we can scan their wall history and photos for clues as to who they're really with.
Note: writers will not reply to comments.
Be the first to comment on this story
Comments by registered users are approved by default.