Spring Break
Comprehensive list of what not to get her on Valentine's Day
Allie Clark
Issue date: 2/13/09 Section: Diversions
Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and everyone is in a tizzy over what gift to get their sweetheart, because, as we all know, gifts will totally buy you everlasting love. Or temporary love, if that's more your style. Either way, picking the right gift can make or break the night.
But there's often so much subtlety involved! Tickets to the opera or a showing of a local theater's current show, good. Tickets to a gentleman's club, not so good. Ah, delicacy … And so, I've decided to tell you ten of the worst gifts possible to give to a person. Take note and you shall avoid significant catastrophe. Fun factoid: a significant portion of these have been given to me at some point of my life. I'm a lucky woman.
10. A plant that dies
Sure, you have good intentions. You get a pretty flowering plant, you take it home and you store it in your closet for a week before walking through the cold and wet to give it to your beloved. So how is it surprising to you when this plant not only fails to bloom, but promptly dies? If you're going to go the live plant route, buy it the day of. Otherwise you run the risk of sending a much different message.
9. Anything wrapped in duct tape
Ah, duct tape. It has so many uses. Wrapping paper is not one of them. I don't care how pretty the jewelry is that you're giving me, do not wrap it in duct tape, you schmuck. It just screams, "I don't care about you at all!"
8. Baby animal
Oh, it seems like a good idea until you forget to poke air holes in the box, and then you've got a dead animal on your hands. What kind of creep gives a dead animal to someone they "love?" Even if it doesn't die, what if it's sick? Animals are messy, and poop is nowhere near romantic. Give this only if you want a restraining order in return.
7. Underwear/lingerie
This is not for them. This is for you. Just admit it. Go on. This is just for your wish fulfillment, and while the recipient may be willing, they would probably prefer a real gift too.
But there's often so much subtlety involved! Tickets to the opera or a showing of a local theater's current show, good. Tickets to a gentleman's club, not so good. Ah, delicacy … And so, I've decided to tell you ten of the worst gifts possible to give to a person. Take note and you shall avoid significant catastrophe. Fun factoid: a significant portion of these have been given to me at some point of my life. I'm a lucky woman.
10. A plant that dies
Sure, you have good intentions. You get a pretty flowering plant, you take it home and you store it in your closet for a week before walking through the cold and wet to give it to your beloved. So how is it surprising to you when this plant not only fails to bloom, but promptly dies? If you're going to go the live plant route, buy it the day of. Otherwise you run the risk of sending a much different message.
9. Anything wrapped in duct tape
Ah, duct tape. It has so many uses. Wrapping paper is not one of them. I don't care how pretty the jewelry is that you're giving me, do not wrap it in duct tape, you schmuck. It just screams, "I don't care about you at all!"
8. Baby animal
Oh, it seems like a good idea until you forget to poke air holes in the box, and then you've got a dead animal on your hands. What kind of creep gives a dead animal to someone they "love?" Even if it doesn't die, what if it's sick? Animals are messy, and poop is nowhere near romantic. Give this only if you want a restraining order in return.
7. Underwear/lingerie
This is not for them. This is for you. Just admit it. Go on. This is just for your wish fulfillment, and while the recipient may be willing, they would probably prefer a real gift too.
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