Spring Break
It's over: the psychology behind relationship break ups
Shelly Lorts
Issue date: 6/24/09 Section: Forum
By Shelly Lorts
How long does it take to mend a broken heart? Some say it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to truly move on - others say that we never genuinely let go of love. Either way, the pain is inevitable. So we cry and we ache and we wait for that longing feeling to disappear. During this time we experience a whole slew of emotions that perhaps we have never experienced before: we are angry; we are hopeless; we are depressed; we are empty; we are lonely; we are strangely content at times; we are extremely desperate. I have learned that most girls handle the pain by begging and pleading - I am no exception. I have done my fair share of "Things will be different" and "I've changed" - all to no avail. The truth is that this behavior does nothing less than affirm our former Prince Charming's feelings on the subject - now we are not only the girl that he isn't in love with anymore, but we're an obsessed leech.
So what makes us persist? We all know that this personality shift is doing no good, yet we continue to suffocate the man who is no longer our man. The answer is that we all suffer from an innate need to be rescued. As women, we love drama and we love to feel that we are worth saving. We strive for the man that will be patient enough, strong enough and love us enough to go past the mess that we have become and really love us. So perhaps we start a bunch of drama in the hopes that the guy will realize we're hurting, figure out that he hates to see us that way and come to our rescue.
When the end of a relationship reaches this point (and ladies, we've all been there at least once), the cycle of persistence won't stop on its own. The desperation of the "dumpee" - in this case, it's the girl - will eventually lead to a breaking point where even the nicest of guys can no longer stick around. Here's my theory: in order for a relationship to really end, we must fall into our roles - girls become the psycho and guys become the jerk.
How long does it take to mend a broken heart? Some say it takes half the amount of time of the total relationship to truly move on - others say that we never genuinely let go of love. Either way, the pain is inevitable. So we cry and we ache and we wait for that longing feeling to disappear. During this time we experience a whole slew of emotions that perhaps we have never experienced before: we are angry; we are hopeless; we are depressed; we are empty; we are lonely; we are strangely content at times; we are extremely desperate. I have learned that most girls handle the pain by begging and pleading - I am no exception. I have done my fair share of "Things will be different" and "I've changed" - all to no avail. The truth is that this behavior does nothing less than affirm our former Prince Charming's feelings on the subject - now we are not only the girl that he isn't in love with anymore, but we're an obsessed leech.
So what makes us persist? We all know that this personality shift is doing no good, yet we continue to suffocate the man who is no longer our man. The answer is that we all suffer from an innate need to be rescued. As women, we love drama and we love to feel that we are worth saving. We strive for the man that will be patient enough, strong enough and love us enough to go past the mess that we have become and really love us. So perhaps we start a bunch of drama in the hopes that the guy will realize we're hurting, figure out that he hates to see us that way and come to our rescue.
When the end of a relationship reaches this point (and ladies, we've all been there at least once), the cycle of persistence won't stop on its own. The desperation of the "dumpee" - in this case, it's the girl - will eventually lead to a breaking point where even the nicest of guys can no longer stick around. Here's my theory: in order for a relationship to really end, we must fall into our roles - girls become the psycho and guys become the jerk.
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